Yes, it really does.
(Added as an afterthought) Btw, if you're reading for a purpose, it would probably be easier to just skip to the bottom half of this.*
I met this absolutely amazing, beautiful, talented, artistic, and overall phenomenal girl not too long ago. We had dinner and it all went well. Like, by my standards, it could not have gone better, and we were suppose to see each other again within the next week. She's ridiculously busy and ended up having to cancel, which is fine, I understand that life gets crazy. I do. But that very same week, the day before actually, my exgf decides to tell me that she wants me back. Her and I were really great together, but she broke up with me about two months ago. I fought for her and everything that comes with it and it just didn't work. So, I moved on. Not a big deal right? Well, despite the fact that we had broken up, we still kept a physical relationship and a decent amount of the cadences of dating. I didn't see a problem with it really, because in the beginning, I was just trying to get her back, but it ended up turning into a simply physical relationship for me, and for her, as she had told me. Turns out it really wasn't. And now it's biting me in the ass.
But, me being me, there's something that you should know. I'm a very physical person if I have to opportunity, and I don't always think about how it could possibly affect people I care for, and in my head I tend to twist things to my advantage unknowingly. I didn't see an issue with keeping said physical relationship with my ex, but now I do. Boundaries should have been set. It would have been really difficult to start, but it would have been better for us, easier for us to remain friends. And overall, made everything that happened this last week or so a hell of a lot better than it was and still is.
Essentially, my ex decided she wanted me back, as I already said. I told her it wasn't that easy and I really did consider getting back with her because it was safe, I knew what was there, what we were like together, everything like that. But.. I realized though, that even though I do love her, I don't love her in the same way anymore. Also, that I didn't want to ruin the possiblity of something INCREDIBLE with this amazing girl. And the fact that she's the one who left me pretty much just kills it for me. I absolutely hate seeing girls cry, especially when it's because of me, so I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't want her sleeping with me at night anymore and that we needed to set those boundaries that are oh so necessary. So, we didn't stop sleeping in the same bed until... the first half of last week. Mistake numero... like... trois.
While this is all going on, I'm absolutely fascinated by this amazing girl. Which poses a slight problem. I hadn't exactly found it necessary to tell this amazing girl that I had still maintained a physical relationship with my ex after we broke up. I don't know why I just didn't stop it when I had my "ah ha!" moment. I really don't. That's where the twisting of reasoning in my head kicks in and I don't understand why I do things.
The other night, the fighting between my ex and I escalated to epic proportions. This is... Saturday night. I had made plans to see Amazing Girl that night and meet with her for coffee, just so I could see her for a little while before Thursday, which is her big Senior Show (that I was planning on going to, still am if she'll have me... ). At the end of the night, which lasted much longer than I had anticipated (^_^) we kissed. And, to be honest, I pretty much hyperventilated with happiness.
The thing you have to understand though is that I am absolutely SMITTEN with her. That's pretty much the only word for it.
After coffee, I went to my friend Lo's house to chill out and my heart to stop fluttering in my chest. About ten minutes after I get there, my ex starts to call me, screaming at me and so on. I leave and head back home, which is about forty-five minutes away, all the while trying to get her to chill out and not do anything rash. She went from screaming that she hates me and that she wishes I were dead to begging me to take her back and back and forth, etc. It was completely crazy. I almost make it to where she's at so we can talk and get things straightened out, and she flies of the handle, takes off in her car and tells me she's going to kill herself. At this point, I turn my car around and chase after her and get her mother on the phone. It all escalates to methic proportions and then everything calms down. I end up staying with my parents that night and my ex at our apartment. I come home the next day and she isn't there, so I go about getting ready to go get some things done for school. She comes home and starts begging and pleading and apologizing and telling me that she wants me back. I tell her I can't because I have feelings for someone else and try to leave, but she won't let me. It all escalates again and I finally leave and she goes to stay with her parents. But before this happens, she tells me she's going to contact Amazing Girl and tell her everything that's been happening between us.
*I'm not saying that I wouldn't have told her, but it wasn't the right time or place. But I would rather have her hear it from me, honestly and the whole story, than for my ex to contact her in any way. So, I tell her everything and she tells me that she needs time to think, and tells me to give her that time, that it isn't an option. And I completely understand why she's upset with me, and I would completely understand if she decided she wanted to have nothing to do with me. I would, but it would suck on so many levels... it wouldn't be comprehensible. And if there's any ONE thing I could tell her, it would be that I have never lied to her, that I've only told her truths, and that if she would let me, I would make it up to her in any way possible and show her that it was worth it.
So, here I am... Sitting.. and waiting... and hoping with EVERYTHING I HAVE that she will let me show her that I'm better than what I did, that I realize that it was a mistake of methic proportions, and that the only thing I want to do this very second and have wanted to do since seven pm last night is to show her that I'm worth another chance. That I would do just about anything to make it up to her and that it isn't like me to do things like that. That I'm better than that.
Hell... I would run around on a highway, covered in feathers and blindfolded with cardboard wings knowing that it was the most humiliating thing I could think of this second. I would do it without a regret in the world. I don't think there's anything I wouldn't do, to be honest.
So yeah, anticipation sucks, and I'm a complete dumbass. Fml.
