I'm 100% positive that no one has ever made me so happy, so content and so comfortable to simply be me. She's unbelievable.. Unconditionally supportive, loving, attentive, caring, affectionate, unquestioning. She knows what I need before I say it and how to go about it. She pays attention, she's... Attuned to me. It's crazy.. I never expected it to be like this, be so easy. It's easy being with her, like breathing. I couldn't ask for anything better, anyone better, and hell, even if I could, I wouldn't want to. Not for a millisecond. It's strange.. I can actually see a future with her. I've never been able to picture that with anyone else. It feels so right, like this is where I'm suppose to be, where I belong. She makes me want to be more, reach after those things that I want and take them, and the fact that I actually feel like I can says so much. No one I've ever been with has made me feel this way, in any way, shape or form. It's like that line in Pulp Fiction, where Mia says to Vincent, "That's how you know you've met someone special, when you can share a comfortable silence with them."
That's exactly right
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Imagination
"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."
-Louisa May Alcott
I imagined you. I waited and passed the months away, hoping for you.
You were worth every second.
-Louisa May Alcott
I imagined you. I waited and passed the months away, hoping for you.
You were worth every second.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Is any of this real, or not?
I had a dream that you were waiting in my driveway for me because you wanted to talk to me about things, explain what happened, but on my way to the car I was stolen away, kidnapped in plain view. I remember asking you how long you had been sitting out there and why you were there for I was snatched. I reached out for help and as you looked up I disappeared into a place where no one knew who I was and my previous existence had been erased.
I was someone and no one at once.
I kept searching for something, anything that would tie me to that existence that I knew I had had, but when I would finally find something, it would change into a shadow of what it was until I was subtly losing my grasp on reality and I simply started looking for where I belonged. I knew how to get there, knew exactly where I was going and how long it would take. It was then, with this realization, that this reality started collapsing.
I don't know what any of this is suppose to mean, it it means anything at all, which I'm sure it does, because really, don't dreams always mean something, however small? All I know is that I'll be thinking about this all day, this one scene in particular when I was walking back to my place of belonging.
It was storming, the lightning crossing the sky in the north, wind blowing eastward, rather strong too. I was reaching an intersection, a four way stop and traffic was kind of bad. All at once, every car that was on the road pulled over, synchronized almost, and an ambulance raced through the lines of cars.
I remember feeling the draft caused by the speed of it run through my hair and blow dust and bits of grass at me. It was right then, in that instant when I looked at these cars that I realized it wasn't reality, that I was somewhere else, somewhere I didn't belong. That in my real world, these cars wouldn't all look exactly the same, they wouldn't have pulled over that uniformly and the ambulance wouldn't have been moving that fast.
And I remember thinking, as I realized the illusion, that I felt like that ambulance was for me, the real existence of me at my house, in my front lawn, where I thought I was kidnapped. As I realized this, I was pulled back to my reality in this dream, to my front lawn. I was laying in the grass on my back, bleeding and gasping for air. All I could see were the clouds, the white storm clouds blowing in, the leaves of the tree blowing in the wind. I heard the ambulance sirens and turned my head, seeing it down the street and I tried to find you, to turn my head to tell you something before I went but I couldn't, I didn't have the strength and before the ambulance made it to me, I was gone and woke up.
What does it all mean?
I was someone and no one at once.
I kept searching for something, anything that would tie me to that existence that I knew I had had, but when I would finally find something, it would change into a shadow of what it was until I was subtly losing my grasp on reality and I simply started looking for where I belonged. I knew how to get there, knew exactly where I was going and how long it would take. It was then, with this realization, that this reality started collapsing.
I don't know what any of this is suppose to mean, it it means anything at all, which I'm sure it does, because really, don't dreams always mean something, however small? All I know is that I'll be thinking about this all day, this one scene in particular when I was walking back to my place of belonging.
It was storming, the lightning crossing the sky in the north, wind blowing eastward, rather strong too. I was reaching an intersection, a four way stop and traffic was kind of bad. All at once, every car that was on the road pulled over, synchronized almost, and an ambulance raced through the lines of cars.
I remember feeling the draft caused by the speed of it run through my hair and blow dust and bits of grass at me. It was right then, in that instant when I looked at these cars that I realized it wasn't reality, that I was somewhere else, somewhere I didn't belong. That in my real world, these cars wouldn't all look exactly the same, they wouldn't have pulled over that uniformly and the ambulance wouldn't have been moving that fast.
And I remember thinking, as I realized the illusion, that I felt like that ambulance was for me, the real existence of me at my house, in my front lawn, where I thought I was kidnapped. As I realized this, I was pulled back to my reality in this dream, to my front lawn. I was laying in the grass on my back, bleeding and gasping for air. All I could see were the clouds, the white storm clouds blowing in, the leaves of the tree blowing in the wind. I heard the ambulance sirens and turned my head, seeing it down the street and I tried to find you, to turn my head to tell you something before I went but I couldn't, I didn't have the strength and before the ambulance made it to me, I was gone and woke up.
What does it all mean?
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Feel It In My Bones
First things first, there's one thing I must say:
Human kryptonite does, in fact, exist.
So, to all you people out there who think that it doesn't, think again. Living proof, right here, right now.
Now that that's out of the way, it's been a minute since I was last on here. Fun little mishap with a lost password, forgotten email... etc. The usual. Bleh. Anyway, for anyone who doesn't know, I'm moving back home in May and you can pretty much all thank yourselves for this. If it wasn't for everyone in Edmond that I talk to, friends, interests, considered family and such, I wouldn't even have considered the idea. I'd be renewing my lease at the beginning of May and settling in to withstand a very long and boring summer in Stilly. So, cheers to all of you!
With the move back, I'm also transferring to UCO at the end of the semester. The only thing that kind of bothers me about this is the fact that the campus is smaller and a bit more confusing (in my opinion at least). But I was there on Monday, walking around their equivalent of a student union and I felt really at home their. Like I told Hagrid, it's as if I was meant to leave Edmond, to go to Stillwater, to find myself, to really begin to figure things out and become comfortable with them, define myself in a sense, and then I was suppose to move back. Like the only reason why I was suppose to leave was that, that's it. No regrets cuz that's certainly what I did and, despite my low-ish GPA, I've figured out what I want to do, what's going to make me happy and it isn't what I originally thought. :P
"Now if she does it like this, will you do it like that? Now if she touches like this, will you touch her like that? Now if she moves like this, will you move her like that?"
Cookie is being stationed in Japan for three years. I can't quite put my finger on the reason why this upsets me so much, but it does. Just like it did when I found out he enlisted. But, now that I've sat back and gotten over the initial shock of everything, if he's happy, I'm happy. It's his life, he's the one who has to live it, not me. I just worry about him a lot more than I'll ever admit and hope to God that nothing ever happens to him. I don't know what I would do without him.
Anywho, my concentration levels have completely gone out the window and, before I go on about anything else that I would -love- to talk about, I need to be able to phrase it properly. So, more to come at a later date.
x
Human kryptonite does, in fact, exist.
So, to all you people out there who think that it doesn't, think again. Living proof, right here, right now.
Now that that's out of the way, it's been a minute since I was last on here. Fun little mishap with a lost password, forgotten email... etc. The usual. Bleh. Anyway, for anyone who doesn't know, I'm moving back home in May and you can pretty much all thank yourselves for this. If it wasn't for everyone in Edmond that I talk to, friends, interests, considered family and such, I wouldn't even have considered the idea. I'd be renewing my lease at the beginning of May and settling in to withstand a very long and boring summer in Stilly. So, cheers to all of you!
With the move back, I'm also transferring to UCO at the end of the semester. The only thing that kind of bothers me about this is the fact that the campus is smaller and a bit more confusing (in my opinion at least). But I was there on Monday, walking around their equivalent of a student union and I felt really at home their. Like I told Hagrid, it's as if I was meant to leave Edmond, to go to Stillwater, to find myself, to really begin to figure things out and become comfortable with them, define myself in a sense, and then I was suppose to move back. Like the only reason why I was suppose to leave was that, that's it. No regrets cuz that's certainly what I did and, despite my low-ish GPA, I've figured out what I want to do, what's going to make me happy and it isn't what I originally thought. :P
"Now if she does it like this, will you do it like that? Now if she touches like this, will you touch her like that? Now if she moves like this, will you move her like that?"
Cookie is being stationed in Japan for three years. I can't quite put my finger on the reason why this upsets me so much, but it does. Just like it did when I found out he enlisted. But, now that I've sat back and gotten over the initial shock of everything, if he's happy, I'm happy. It's his life, he's the one who has to live it, not me. I just worry about him a lot more than I'll ever admit and hope to God that nothing ever happens to him. I don't know what I would do without him.
Anywho, my concentration levels have completely gone out the window and, before I go on about anything else that I would -love- to talk about, I need to be able to phrase it properly. So, more to come at a later date.
x
Monday, November 30, 2009
So.. Anticipation Sucks
Yes, it really does.
(Added as an afterthought) Btw, if you're reading for a purpose, it would probably be easier to just skip to the bottom half of this.*
I met this absolutely amazing, beautiful, talented, artistic, and overall phenomenal girl not too long ago. We had dinner and it all went well. Like, by my standards, it could not have gone better, and we were suppose to see each other again within the next week. She's ridiculously busy and ended up having to cancel, which is fine, I understand that life gets crazy. I do. But that very same week, the day before actually, my exgf decides to tell me that she wants me back. Her and I were really great together, but she broke up with me about two months ago. I fought for her and everything that comes with it and it just didn't work. So, I moved on. Not a big deal right? Well, despite the fact that we had broken up, we still kept a physical relationship and a decent amount of the cadences of dating. I didn't see a problem with it really, because in the beginning, I was just trying to get her back, but it ended up turning into a simply physical relationship for me, and for her, as she had told me. Turns out it really wasn't. And now it's biting me in the ass.
But, me being me, there's something that you should know. I'm a very physical person if I have to opportunity, and I don't always think about how it could possibly affect people I care for, and in my head I tend to twist things to my advantage unknowingly. I didn't see an issue with keeping said physical relationship with my ex, but now I do. Boundaries should have been set. It would have been really difficult to start, but it would have been better for us, easier for us to remain friends. And overall, made everything that happened this last week or so a hell of a lot better than it was and still is.
Essentially, my ex decided she wanted me back, as I already said. I told her it wasn't that easy and I really did consider getting back with her because it was safe, I knew what was there, what we were like together, everything like that. But.. I realized though, that even though I do love her, I don't love her in the same way anymore. Also, that I didn't want to ruin the possiblity of something INCREDIBLE with this amazing girl. And the fact that she's the one who left me pretty much just kills it for me. I absolutely hate seeing girls cry, especially when it's because of me, so I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't want her sleeping with me at night anymore and that we needed to set those boundaries that are oh so necessary. So, we didn't stop sleeping in the same bed until... the first half of last week. Mistake numero... like... trois.
While this is all going on, I'm absolutely fascinated by this amazing girl. Which poses a slight problem. I hadn't exactly found it necessary to tell this amazing girl that I had still maintained a physical relationship with my ex after we broke up. I don't know why I just didn't stop it when I had my "ah ha!" moment. I really don't. That's where the twisting of reasoning in my head kicks in and I don't understand why I do things.
The other night, the fighting between my ex and I escalated to epic proportions. This is... Saturday night. I had made plans to see Amazing Girl that night and meet with her for coffee, just so I could see her for a little while before Thursday, which is her big Senior Show (that I was planning on going to, still am if she'll have me... ). At the end of the night, which lasted much longer than I had anticipated (^_^) we kissed. And, to be honest, I pretty much hyperventilated with happiness.
The thing you have to understand though is that I am absolutely SMITTEN with her. That's pretty much the only word for it.
After coffee, I went to my friend Lo's house to chill out and my heart to stop fluttering in my chest. About ten minutes after I get there, my ex starts to call me, screaming at me and so on. I leave and head back home, which is about forty-five minutes away, all the while trying to get her to chill out and not do anything rash. She went from screaming that she hates me and that she wishes I were dead to begging me to take her back and back and forth, etc. It was completely crazy. I almost make it to where she's at so we can talk and get things straightened out, and she flies of the handle, takes off in her car and tells me she's going to kill herself. At this point, I turn my car around and chase after her and get her mother on the phone. It all escalates to methic proportions and then everything calms down. I end up staying with my parents that night and my ex at our apartment. I come home the next day and she isn't there, so I go about getting ready to go get some things done for school. She comes home and starts begging and pleading and apologizing and telling me that she wants me back. I tell her I can't because I have feelings for someone else and try to leave, but she won't let me. It all escalates again and I finally leave and she goes to stay with her parents. But before this happens, she tells me she's going to contact Amazing Girl and tell her everything that's been happening between us.
*I'm not saying that I wouldn't have told her, but it wasn't the right time or place. But I would rather have her hear it from me, honestly and the whole story, than for my ex to contact her in any way. So, I tell her everything and she tells me that she needs time to think, and tells me to give her that time, that it isn't an option. And I completely understand why she's upset with me, and I would completely understand if she decided she wanted to have nothing to do with me. I would, but it would suck on so many levels... it wouldn't be comprehensible. And if there's any ONE thing I could tell her, it would be that I have never lied to her, that I've only told her truths, and that if she would let me, I would make it up to her in any way possible and show her that it was worth it.
So, here I am... Sitting.. and waiting... and hoping with EVERYTHING I HAVE that she will let me show her that I'm better than what I did, that I realize that it was a mistake of methic proportions, and that the only thing I want to do this very second and have wanted to do since seven pm last night is to show her that I'm worth another chance. That I would do just about anything to make it up to her and that it isn't like me to do things like that. That I'm better than that.
Hell... I would run around on a highway, covered in feathers and blindfolded with cardboard wings knowing that it was the most humiliating thing I could think of this second. I would do it without a regret in the world. I don't think there's anything I wouldn't do, to be honest.
So yeah, anticipation sucks, and I'm a complete dumbass. Fml.
(Added as an afterthought) Btw, if you're reading for a purpose, it would probably be easier to just skip to the bottom half of this.*
I met this absolutely amazing, beautiful, talented, artistic, and overall phenomenal girl not too long ago. We had dinner and it all went well. Like, by my standards, it could not have gone better, and we were suppose to see each other again within the next week. She's ridiculously busy and ended up having to cancel, which is fine, I understand that life gets crazy. I do. But that very same week, the day before actually, my exgf decides to tell me that she wants me back. Her and I were really great together, but she broke up with me about two months ago. I fought for her and everything that comes with it and it just didn't work. So, I moved on. Not a big deal right? Well, despite the fact that we had broken up, we still kept a physical relationship and a decent amount of the cadences of dating. I didn't see a problem with it really, because in the beginning, I was just trying to get her back, but it ended up turning into a simply physical relationship for me, and for her, as she had told me. Turns out it really wasn't. And now it's biting me in the ass.
But, me being me, there's something that you should know. I'm a very physical person if I have to opportunity, and I don't always think about how it could possibly affect people I care for, and in my head I tend to twist things to my advantage unknowingly. I didn't see an issue with keeping said physical relationship with my ex, but now I do. Boundaries should have been set. It would have been really difficult to start, but it would have been better for us, easier for us to remain friends. And overall, made everything that happened this last week or so a hell of a lot better than it was and still is.
Essentially, my ex decided she wanted me back, as I already said. I told her it wasn't that easy and I really did consider getting back with her because it was safe, I knew what was there, what we were like together, everything like that. But.. I realized though, that even though I do love her, I don't love her in the same way anymore. Also, that I didn't want to ruin the possiblity of something INCREDIBLE with this amazing girl. And the fact that she's the one who left me pretty much just kills it for me. I absolutely hate seeing girls cry, especially when it's because of me, so I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't want her sleeping with me at night anymore and that we needed to set those boundaries that are oh so necessary. So, we didn't stop sleeping in the same bed until... the first half of last week. Mistake numero... like... trois.
While this is all going on, I'm absolutely fascinated by this amazing girl. Which poses a slight problem. I hadn't exactly found it necessary to tell this amazing girl that I had still maintained a physical relationship with my ex after we broke up. I don't know why I just didn't stop it when I had my "ah ha!" moment. I really don't. That's where the twisting of reasoning in my head kicks in and I don't understand why I do things.
The other night, the fighting between my ex and I escalated to epic proportions. This is... Saturday night. I had made plans to see Amazing Girl that night and meet with her for coffee, just so I could see her for a little while before Thursday, which is her big Senior Show (that I was planning on going to, still am if she'll have me... ). At the end of the night, which lasted much longer than I had anticipated (^_^) we kissed. And, to be honest, I pretty much hyperventilated with happiness.
The thing you have to understand though is that I am absolutely SMITTEN with her. That's pretty much the only word for it.
After coffee, I went to my friend Lo's house to chill out and my heart to stop fluttering in my chest. About ten minutes after I get there, my ex starts to call me, screaming at me and so on. I leave and head back home, which is about forty-five minutes away, all the while trying to get her to chill out and not do anything rash. She went from screaming that she hates me and that she wishes I were dead to begging me to take her back and back and forth, etc. It was completely crazy. I almost make it to where she's at so we can talk and get things straightened out, and she flies of the handle, takes off in her car and tells me she's going to kill herself. At this point, I turn my car around and chase after her and get her mother on the phone. It all escalates to methic proportions and then everything calms down. I end up staying with my parents that night and my ex at our apartment. I come home the next day and she isn't there, so I go about getting ready to go get some things done for school. She comes home and starts begging and pleading and apologizing and telling me that she wants me back. I tell her I can't because I have feelings for someone else and try to leave, but she won't let me. It all escalates again and I finally leave and she goes to stay with her parents. But before this happens, she tells me she's going to contact Amazing Girl and tell her everything that's been happening between us.
*I'm not saying that I wouldn't have told her, but it wasn't the right time or place. But I would rather have her hear it from me, honestly and the whole story, than for my ex to contact her in any way. So, I tell her everything and she tells me that she needs time to think, and tells me to give her that time, that it isn't an option. And I completely understand why she's upset with me, and I would completely understand if she decided she wanted to have nothing to do with me. I would, but it would suck on so many levels... it wouldn't be comprehensible. And if there's any ONE thing I could tell her, it would be that I have never lied to her, that I've only told her truths, and that if she would let me, I would make it up to her in any way possible and show her that it was worth it.
So, here I am... Sitting.. and waiting... and hoping with EVERYTHING I HAVE that she will let me show her that I'm better than what I did, that I realize that it was a mistake of methic proportions, and that the only thing I want to do this very second and have wanted to do since seven pm last night is to show her that I'm worth another chance. That I would do just about anything to make it up to her and that it isn't like me to do things like that. That I'm better than that.
Hell... I would run around on a highway, covered in feathers and blindfolded with cardboard wings knowing that it was the most humiliating thing I could think of this second. I would do it without a regret in the world. I don't think there's anything I wouldn't do, to be honest.
So yeah, anticipation sucks, and I'm a complete dumbass. Fml.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)